Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
