trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
