someone get that fucking seahorse.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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