OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
