I got chris browned last night
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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