You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
