Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Pants are for mortals
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
