I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
