I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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