You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
