How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
