Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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