I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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