i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
