life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
