Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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