Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
