Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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