Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
