Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
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Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
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Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I need a beard to bite.
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