Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
