He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
