Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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