i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
