I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
