I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
