i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
