I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
