I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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