My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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