I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
