I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
