Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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