I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
dude i'm inner monologue high
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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