So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
