first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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