I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
