There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
