Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
