if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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