Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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