Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
