my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
