Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
