My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
