Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
the day after is always just damage control
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
