I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
