the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
