Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
