How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
