No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
