I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
