Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
