I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
