Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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